Will my boyfriend think I'm fat when we have sex?
January 20, 2008
I'm 19 years old and I have been in a long-distance relationship for over a year now. When we first met I was a bit on the heavy side. This was not a problem, and both he and I had a wonderful time together. Despite the fact that I had already lost 60lbs before we met, I felt I was too fat that day and decided to lose weight to become more attractive.
Since that time, I lost an additional 40 lbs. When we met for the second time we had a wonderful time again. To me, it seemed as if he was undaunted by my weight even though I was considered thin by now.
We met a third time and things were extremely hot between us. We didn't have sex, but I know that we will soon. I'm scared to death that he may not like what he sees when I take off my clothes. I do want to have sex with him â€" a lot! But I'm worried that he will not like what he sees and may not feel the same way for me after that. I now find myself trying to mold my body into shape to make sure I don't scare him away. I have been reshaping my body by dieting and weight training. In spite of the fact that I am considered thin by others, I feel my body is unshapely because of the ill-effects of rapid weight loss.
These are my questions: Am I a fool for trying to fit a societal image of what a hot man should look like? Am I justified for feeling the way I do, or am I being irrational? Is it possible that that he may not like me anymore if he were to see me naked? I love him a lot and I don't want our relationship to end. It's not like this is a real issue for him, either! This is all going on within my head. I am very confused, and I would appreciate any kind of advice.
Since that time, I lost an additional 40 lbs. When we met for the second time we had a wonderful time again. To me, it seemed as if he was undaunted by my weight even though I was considered thin by now.
We met a third time and things were extremely hot between us. We didn't have sex, but I know that we will soon. I'm scared to death that he may not like what he sees when I take off my clothes. I do want to have sex with him â€" a lot! But I'm worried that he will not like what he sees and may not feel the same way for me after that. I now find myself trying to mold my body into shape to make sure I don't scare him away. I have been reshaping my body by dieting and weight training. In spite of the fact that I am considered thin by others, I feel my body is unshapely because of the ill-effects of rapid weight loss.
These are my questions: Am I a fool for trying to fit a societal image of what a hot man should look like? Am I justified for feeling the way I do, or am I being irrational? Is it possible that that he may not like me anymore if he were to see me naked? I love him a lot and I don't want our relationship to end. It's not like this is a real issue for him, either! This is all going on within my head. I am very confused, and I would appreciate any kind of advice.
You have been dating this guy for over a year and you haven’t had sex? I’m surprised your problem is that your body is ready to spontaneously combust! Seriously though, I have a question for you. What would you say if he took off his clothes and his body was attractive, but not perfect. Would you up and start screaming, "Arrrrgh! I've been cheated and I want out of this relationship"? No, you’d find him cute and adorable because he is the man you have fallen in love with him. You’re not looking for perfection, you’re looking to get to know the real him.
The same goes in return. He has presumably fallen deeply and passionately in love with you. He’s looking forward to the day when the two of you consummate your relationship with an extended night of lovemaking, and your self-perceived imperfections aren’t going to get in the way of his enjoyment. Unless you bottle your feelings in until you’re really ready to combust. In that case it will affect your relationship, and certainly not for the better.
So here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to sit down and write him a long e-mail. You’re going to tell him all about the real you. You’re going to tell him how you were chubby as a kid and how you were the kid that everyone picked on in school. You’re going to tell him how you grew to hate the mirror because you no longer saw yourself and saw "the fat kid" that your schoolmates taught you to despise.
Then you’re going to tell him about how your life began to change. How you decided to diet and exercise and lose that first 60lbs. How it had nothing to do with him â€" you were doing it for you. Or weren’t you? If there’s another reason write that down too. Then tell your beau how much you cared about him when you first met, and all of the real reasons why you felt that you needed go out and lose another 40 lbs.
Write to him how you feel now. How you’re scared to death that he might not care about the real you. How in spite of the fact that you’re 100lbs lighter than you used to be that you look in the mirror and still see “that fat kid.” How you’re headed towards a heart attack or at least a small ulcer because you’re stressing yourself out over the issue. And finally, tell him how you want nothing more than to spend a night in his arms; to love him and be loved in return. And how you need to know that he isn’t going to reject you because you don’t think you’re perfect.
End the note by telling him that you love him and want to be with him for years to come. Then hit send. Don’t bother correcting the spelling or rereading what you wrote. You’re writing from the heart here, and the real you will shine through. Go find a telephone and call him. Tell him you love him and that everything is fine, but that you need him to go read an e-mail you just wrote to him. Then hang up and go take a walk for half an hour.
When you get home he’ll be ringing your phone off the hook to talk to you. I guarantee you that everything will be fine from that point on.
The same goes in return. He has presumably fallen deeply and passionately in love with you. He’s looking forward to the day when the two of you consummate your relationship with an extended night of lovemaking, and your self-perceived imperfections aren’t going to get in the way of his enjoyment. Unless you bottle your feelings in until you’re really ready to combust. In that case it will affect your relationship, and certainly not for the better.
So here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to sit down and write him a long e-mail. You’re going to tell him all about the real you. You’re going to tell him how you were chubby as a kid and how you were the kid that everyone picked on in school. You’re going to tell him how you grew to hate the mirror because you no longer saw yourself and saw "the fat kid" that your schoolmates taught you to despise.
Then you’re going to tell him about how your life began to change. How you decided to diet and exercise and lose that first 60lbs. How it had nothing to do with him â€" you were doing it for you. Or weren’t you? If there’s another reason write that down too. Then tell your beau how much you cared about him when you first met, and all of the real reasons why you felt that you needed go out and lose another 40 lbs.
Write to him how you feel now. How you’re scared to death that he might not care about the real you. How in spite of the fact that you’re 100lbs lighter than you used to be that you look in the mirror and still see “that fat kid.” How you’re headed towards a heart attack or at least a small ulcer because you’re stressing yourself out over the issue. And finally, tell him how you want nothing more than to spend a night in his arms; to love him and be loved in return. And how you need to know that he isn’t going to reject you because you don’t think you’re perfect.
End the note by telling him that you love him and want to be with him for years to come. Then hit send. Don’t bother correcting the spelling or rereading what you wrote. You’re writing from the heart here, and the real you will shine through. Go find a telephone and call him. Tell him you love him and that everything is fine, but that you need him to go read an e-mail you just wrote to him. Then hang up and go take a walk for half an hour.
When you get home he’ll be ringing your phone off the hook to talk to you. I guarantee you that everything will be fine from that point on.
