Can a former fat man find love and inner peace?
January 20, 2008
This may be hard to believe but I am 33 and still a virgin. I was overweight my entire life (560 lbs!) and after a heart attack that almost killed me, I knew that I had to lose the pounds. After two long hard years, I now tip the scale at 223. With the help of weight training, exercise, and some plastic surgery (for loose skin) I look good. Not great, but damn good!
My problem? After all these years of being heavy, I have developed a fear of having anyone seeing me nude - anyone! I would love to hire an escort but am so paranoid that they would look away in disgust that I chicken out!
To top this feeling off, I just buried both parents within the last five months and have been having a hard time with that as well. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy for feeling this way. I guess I'm afraid now more than ever to start living the life I've always dreamed of living and need someone to say its ok to keep living my life.
My problem? After all these years of being heavy, I have developed a fear of having anyone seeing me nude - anyone! I would love to hire an escort but am so paranoid that they would look away in disgust that I chicken out!
To top this feeling off, I just buried both parents within the last five months and have been having a hard time with that as well. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy for feeling this way. I guess I'm afraid now more than ever to start living the life I've always dreamed of living and need someone to say its ok to keep living my life.
I want to start by congratulating you. You've taken control of a life or death situation that was spiraling downhill fast and turned it into a much more healthy life for yourself. I don't have to tell you how much you're feeling better now that you've lost over three hundred pounds. You already know your life is nothing like it was before.
It's amazing how the mind needs time to catch up with the body though. You know the reflection you see in the mirror is only 223lbs, but at the same time you feel as if everyone sees you still at 560. The challenge you are facing is the same as the one everyone who loses weight has to face. And like them, you will come out of it intact. You really will! You will grow to accept the new you, and as it is already doing, it will become a part of that mind of yours. In time, it will even become the dominant part, eclipsing your old 560lb self. You'll still have days where you see your old reflection, or hear the taunts from the other kids on the playground in your childhood. But as time goes by, those days will become less and less common.
On the surface, you need to, pardon the crudity of this statement, get laid with an understanding and supportive partner. Doing so will give you a massive boost to your self-esteem and dispel the illusion that your partners only see you your former large self. Any high-quality escort or sexual surrogate could help you with that, or you could use a friend or a nice guy that you meet. Sure, it's emotionally nervewracking before the encounter begins. But once it starts, it will give you a new perspective on life fast.
My suspicion is any psychological counselor you see will be able to do nothing for you except prepare you for that eventual encounter. They'll spend lots of time helping you explore your own body image, as well as your idea of how others perceive you. But in the end, it will be you and your partner, alone in a bedroom together somewhere.
The deeper issue is the one about your parents dying. Not that it has occurred - all people pass at some point, and there is nothing you or I can do for them now. But in how it impacts you. It is not longer possible to use your parents' thoughts and feelings as a crutch to avoid living your own life. A crutch I'll bet you've used a number of times in the past. No wonder it's upsetting you!
My advice there is to hang in there and continue with developing your own life. It is what you know you need to do, and it will make you a much stronger person in the long run. If you simply find yourself unable to cope with the challenges in front of you, then reach out for help from a trained counselor. It's a far more productive solution than sliding back into your old eating habits.
I suspect you won't find that necessary, however. Something tells me you're a strong enough person to go ahead and meet someone. Together in bed you can learn that you've entered a new stage in your life. A life, I might add, where the healthy-trimmer you will discover just how wonderful (and attractive!) of a person you really are.
It's amazing how the mind needs time to catch up with the body though. You know the reflection you see in the mirror is only 223lbs, but at the same time you feel as if everyone sees you still at 560. The challenge you are facing is the same as the one everyone who loses weight has to face. And like them, you will come out of it intact. You really will! You will grow to accept the new you, and as it is already doing, it will become a part of that mind of yours. In time, it will even become the dominant part, eclipsing your old 560lb self. You'll still have days where you see your old reflection, or hear the taunts from the other kids on the playground in your childhood. But as time goes by, those days will become less and less common.
On the surface, you need to, pardon the crudity of this statement, get laid with an understanding and supportive partner. Doing so will give you a massive boost to your self-esteem and dispel the illusion that your partners only see you your former large self. Any high-quality escort or sexual surrogate could help you with that, or you could use a friend or a nice guy that you meet. Sure, it's emotionally nervewracking before the encounter begins. But once it starts, it will give you a new perspective on life fast.
My suspicion is any psychological counselor you see will be able to do nothing for you except prepare you for that eventual encounter. They'll spend lots of time helping you explore your own body image, as well as your idea of how others perceive you. But in the end, it will be you and your partner, alone in a bedroom together somewhere.
The deeper issue is the one about your parents dying. Not that it has occurred - all people pass at some point, and there is nothing you or I can do for them now. But in how it impacts you. It is not longer possible to use your parents' thoughts and feelings as a crutch to avoid living your own life. A crutch I'll bet you've used a number of times in the past. No wonder it's upsetting you!
My advice there is to hang in there and continue with developing your own life. It is what you know you need to do, and it will make you a much stronger person in the long run. If you simply find yourself unable to cope with the challenges in front of you, then reach out for help from a trained counselor. It's a far more productive solution than sliding back into your old eating habits.
I suspect you won't find that necessary, however. Something tells me you're a strong enough person to go ahead and meet someone. Together in bed you can learn that you've entered a new stage in your life. A life, I might add, where the healthy-trimmer you will discover just how wonderful (and attractive!) of a person you really are.
