How can I meet someone without coming out?
January 20, 2008
I am a 35 year old man. I am gay although know one knows it. But I am sure some people might think so cause I have always been alone. I don't want anyone to know I am gay so I don't know how to go about meeting someone and I am so tired of being alone. I am afraid to even meet someone out of town because what if they knew me or someone I know. I am attracted to straight acting men, not feminine ones. I don't even know if this is a question. Any advice?
If I may be permitted to paraphrase your question, it is: How can I meet someone when I'm so afraid of coming out? The answer, unfortunately, is not nearly so simple.
For starters, let me say that you will find it almost impossible to find and maintain a long-term relationship while living you're life in such a closeted (hidden) fashion. This isn't a value judgement on the way you live your life - all of our decisions inevitably have rewards and consequences. Being closeted means you don't have to overcome your fears of acknowledging your sexual orientation and telling people about it. The downside, as you are finding out, is that you are almost always alone.
The reason it is so difficult to find and maintain a relationship when you're closeted is because you never get a chance to meet anyone! Consider how straight people meet each other and fall in love: bars, parties, churches, through friends, at work, and the like. By choosing to remain closeted and live in a "straight world," you deny yourself all of those opportunities to meet guys. This isn't to say your town has the same gay social life as San Francisco, but I'll bet within an hour's drive of you there are quite a number of gay social opportunities (bars, gay support groups, etc.). The only way to find them is to begin coming out. Not necessarily to your coworkers and family, but to yourself and the local gay community.
Whether you'll do that or not is up to you, of course. Coming out is a lifelong process and is never an easy path. But it is one that is ultimate rewarding for most of us. Without exception, every person I know who has come out of the closet has done so without regret. And without exception, every person has said that being partially or completely out about their sexuality is far, far easier and less stressful than being in the closet.
If and when you decide to make this step, just look in your phone book under "gay". See what gay/lesbian information lines exist in your area. If there's a local college, consider calling up their student group and asking if they know of any resources for members of the community coming out. Be creative. The gay community in less urban areas tends to be somewhat close-knit, and has an active network of referrals to other resources. There will be something in there for you.
If you just can't bring yourself to this point, consider setting up an appointment with a professional counselor. The info line may be able to refer you to one. There are many counselors (of both sexes and all orientations) who are experienced and knowledgeable about coming out issues for gay men. They may be able to help you work through your fears.
One other alternative is to join the many personal ad sites on the Internet. Often they're more for hooking up than finding a relationship, but you never know. I personally recommend Manhunt. Good luck!
For starters, let me say that you will find it almost impossible to find and maintain a long-term relationship while living you're life in such a closeted (hidden) fashion. This isn't a value judgement on the way you live your life - all of our decisions inevitably have rewards and consequences. Being closeted means you don't have to overcome your fears of acknowledging your sexual orientation and telling people about it. The downside, as you are finding out, is that you are almost always alone.
The reason it is so difficult to find and maintain a relationship when you're closeted is because you never get a chance to meet anyone! Consider how straight people meet each other and fall in love: bars, parties, churches, through friends, at work, and the like. By choosing to remain closeted and live in a "straight world," you deny yourself all of those opportunities to meet guys. This isn't to say your town has the same gay social life as San Francisco, but I'll bet within an hour's drive of you there are quite a number of gay social opportunities (bars, gay support groups, etc.). The only way to find them is to begin coming out. Not necessarily to your coworkers and family, but to yourself and the local gay community.
Whether you'll do that or not is up to you, of course. Coming out is a lifelong process and is never an easy path. But it is one that is ultimate rewarding for most of us. Without exception, every person I know who has come out of the closet has done so without regret. And without exception, every person has said that being partially or completely out about their sexuality is far, far easier and less stressful than being in the closet.
If and when you decide to make this step, just look in your phone book under "gay". See what gay/lesbian information lines exist in your area. If there's a local college, consider calling up their student group and asking if they know of any resources for members of the community coming out. Be creative. The gay community in less urban areas tends to be somewhat close-knit, and has an active network of referrals to other resources. There will be something in there for you.
If you just can't bring yourself to this point, consider setting up an appointment with a professional counselor. The info line may be able to refer you to one. There are many counselors (of both sexes and all orientations) who are experienced and knowledgeable about coming out issues for gay men. They may be able to help you work through your fears.
One other alternative is to join the many personal ad sites on the Internet. Often they're more for hooking up than finding a relationship, but you never know. I personally recommend Manhunt. Good luck!
