Should I have sex with more guys before I get hitched?
January 20, 2008
I've long been a fan of your website and advice column. For a long time now, I've had a problem, and I don't know who else to ask. When I was 17, I met this guy during my freshmen orientation (he was a senior) and somehow, it was love at first sight. We got together, and within a week, we were a serious couple.
I'm 26 now, and everything has been 100% great. I really love him and we're going to be officially "married" next year. But there is a problem.
I was a virgin when I met my beau, and we've been monogamous since we got together. So I've never been with another guy my whole life! I've always been strongly curious about other men, and now that we're actually planning the union ceremony... I guess I am freaking out a bit. He's had a fairly colorful past.... but I have nothing, and I am afraid that sooner or later, my curiosity is going to get me into trouble by causing me to fool around with another guy (I've come close once or twice.)
I've talked to him about it, but what can he do? It's the only prickly point in our whole relationship? Any advice?
I'm 26 now, and everything has been 100% great. I really love him and we're going to be officially "married" next year. But there is a problem.
I was a virgin when I met my beau, and we've been monogamous since we got together. So I've never been with another guy my whole life! I've always been strongly curious about other men, and now that we're actually planning the union ceremony... I guess I am freaking out a bit. He's had a fairly colorful past.... but I have nothing, and I am afraid that sooner or later, my curiosity is going to get me into trouble by causing me to fool around with another guy (I've come close once or twice.)
I've talked to him about it, but what can he do? It's the only prickly point in our whole relationship? Any advice?
Y'know, you're in a tougher situation than you realize. You could certainly go behind your lover's back and have a discreet fling. You'd find out what it's like to be with another guy that way, but with an extra drawback: You will discover you like it, and may want to do it again. At least that's what you're hoping you'll find. If you didn't want to have a good time with someone else, you would probably have no problem staying loyal to your studboy. Having your first sexual experience with someone else would also be a very significant experience in your life, and hardly something you'd want to spend the next fifty years hiding from your lover.
If I may suggest (and since you wrote to this column I certainly may), why don't the two of you have a threeway? Find someone that would be willing to help you all explore sexuality together in a fun and friendly manner, but at the same time will respect the needs of your relationship. I would go a step further and suggest the two of you hire an escort to do it. There are a lot of guys out there who would be glad to get their rocks off with the two of you, but that's hardly what you want. You're looking for someone that will help you enjoy having sex with someone else, but doing so only in a manner that does not make your lover feel jealous, threatened, or insecure at the same time. A skilled escort can do just that.
The issue of your lover's emotional reactions to you being with another man is likely to be the critical issue. Being your only lover has to be a strong source of power and emotional security for him. Taking that away may be like taking away a child's security blanket. You will have to constantly work to reassure him that he's still the #1 man in your life. One way to do it is to not go on and on about how great having sex with other guys is. Another is to make him feel a part of everything that you do.
If in the end your lover's desire for sexual control over your life is stronger than his willingness to see you grow as a person, then you need to decide whether or not to begin a sexual life for yourself in which he will not be a part. If you decide to do this, you may also want to consider whether he's really quite as perfect as you originally thought.
Whatever you decide, good luck!
If I may suggest (and since you wrote to this column I certainly may), why don't the two of you have a threeway? Find someone that would be willing to help you all explore sexuality together in a fun and friendly manner, but at the same time will respect the needs of your relationship. I would go a step further and suggest the two of you hire an escort to do it. There are a lot of guys out there who would be glad to get their rocks off with the two of you, but that's hardly what you want. You're looking for someone that will help you enjoy having sex with someone else, but doing so only in a manner that does not make your lover feel jealous, threatened, or insecure at the same time. A skilled escort can do just that.
The issue of your lover's emotional reactions to you being with another man is likely to be the critical issue. Being your only lover has to be a strong source of power and emotional security for him. Taking that away may be like taking away a child's security blanket. You will have to constantly work to reassure him that he's still the #1 man in your life. One way to do it is to not go on and on about how great having sex with other guys is. Another is to make him feel a part of everything that you do.
If in the end your lover's desire for sexual control over your life is stronger than his willingness to see you grow as a person, then you need to decide whether or not to begin a sexual life for yourself in which he will not be a part. If you decide to do this, you may also want to consider whether he's really quite as perfect as you originally thought.
Whatever you decide, good luck!
