Should I tell my friend that I am bisexual?
January 20, 2008
I have known this guy for one year. We have become best friends to each other, and I think I have a crush on him. I am considering that I’m bi even though I’ve never had sex with anyone before. Should I tell him how I feel? I don't want to ruin our friendship. He has a girlfriend, but he plays around with me a lot like wrestling, sometimes squeezing my butt. When I have him sleep over, I usually hug him while we sleep and he seems to be ok with it. We even say we love each other. What should I do?
You didn’t say how old you are, but if you’re talking about sleepovers I’m guessing you’re a teenager. At that age it’s not unusual for someone to be confused about their sexuality. You’re going through that right now, and he may be going through it as well. Or even if he isn’t, he may come to question his sexuality sometime in the future.
One of my ex-lovers came out to a straight friend who was spending the night at his place, and then followed-up by saying he found the friend very attractive. As a result the straight friend spent the night huddled in a corner worried that my ex- was going to make a pass at him. The two of you obviously have a more secure friendship than that, but the lesson remains. It’s not a good idea to come out to a friend when he is feeling vulnerable. It’s a much better idea to do it when you two are taking a walk after school, or spending an evening together out on the town.
Before you get to that point though, ask yourself a few questions. Are you feelings just emotional, or do you find him physically attractive as well? Would you have sex with him if he was willing? Are you physically attracted to other guys as well, or just him? And are you really attracted to women or do you check them out only because everyone else at school does? There is no right or wrong answer to any of these questions, but understanding them will help you feel more confident as you begin to come out to your friend.
As for telling him how you feel about him, why don’t you hold that back for a little while? Tell him instead that you have a crush on a guy at school but you’d rather not say who it is. He may need some time to decide how he feels about having a friend that has feelings for the same sex, and not declaring your undying love for him will make that process easier for him. Watch how he reacts over the next few weeks and then decide whether you want to tell him how you really feel.
Either way, remember that coming out is always a bit of a gamble. Sometimes you lose a friend over it, but that is never a major loss. Someone who doesn’t accept you for who you really are is not a true friend in the first place. More often the person grows to be very supportive about your sexuality and becomes a much closer friend for it. And who knows? Maybe he’ll eventually come out to you as well, and perhaps he has a crush on you too. You never know!
One of my ex-lovers came out to a straight friend who was spending the night at his place, and then followed-up by saying he found the friend very attractive. As a result the straight friend spent the night huddled in a corner worried that my ex- was going to make a pass at him. The two of you obviously have a more secure friendship than that, but the lesson remains. It’s not a good idea to come out to a friend when he is feeling vulnerable. It’s a much better idea to do it when you two are taking a walk after school, or spending an evening together out on the town.
Before you get to that point though, ask yourself a few questions. Are you feelings just emotional, or do you find him physically attractive as well? Would you have sex with him if he was willing? Are you physically attracted to other guys as well, or just him? And are you really attracted to women or do you check them out only because everyone else at school does? There is no right or wrong answer to any of these questions, but understanding them will help you feel more confident as you begin to come out to your friend.
As for telling him how you feel about him, why don’t you hold that back for a little while? Tell him instead that you have a crush on a guy at school but you’d rather not say who it is. He may need some time to decide how he feels about having a friend that has feelings for the same sex, and not declaring your undying love for him will make that process easier for him. Watch how he reacts over the next few weeks and then decide whether you want to tell him how you really feel.
Either way, remember that coming out is always a bit of a gamble. Sometimes you lose a friend over it, but that is never a major loss. Someone who doesn’t accept you for who you really are is not a true friend in the first place. More often the person grows to be very supportive about your sexuality and becomes a much closer friend for it. And who knows? Maybe he’ll eventually come out to you as well, and perhaps he has a crush on you too. You never know!
