How can I tell my boyfriend to be more clean?
January 21, 2008
Please help me! I’m a 25 year old in a 3 year relationship with an amazing guy (28). We love each other very much, and he always is looking to make me happy. I had quite a "wild" life before I decided to settle down with him, which included a couple trips to sex clubs, lots of sexual partners, etc. I’m a total top that loves a total bottom. However, I was "spoiled" before with bottoms that knew how to bottom. Specifically, my boyfriend doesn’t clean himself like other men I’ve been with in my life. I love a man who is already lubed up, and CLEAN. How do I address this with my boyfriend? It would really turn me on, but I don’t even know how he would clean himself. Am I asking too much? It affects my sexual desire when I find any “dirt” after our lovemaking. How do I approach this situation. PLEASE HELP!
Pardon me while I slip into my Miss Manners drag for a moment.
Gentle Reader,
Miss Manners is painfully aware of the social awkwardness of anal hygiene when it comes to gay sex. Those that are knowledgeable and self-aware can avoid awkward situations in the bedroom, while those that are less skilled are quite prone to such mishaps. The difficulty is in fact twofold - how does limit personal embarrassment when an “anal mess” occurs, and how can one educate the bottom in avoiding future messes.
Solving the former problem is simple enough. The top should always keep a towel nearby, and should use it to clean up any unpleasantness. If the mess is moderate to severe, then the top should suggest the bottom use the bathroom to “wash all that lube up.” Most bottoms are self-aware enough at that point to realize that continuing to bottom for the evening is not a good idea. A smile and a friendly bit of reassurance can minimize the bottom’s embarrassment. As much as it is the bottom’s job to keep himself clean, it is the top’s job to limit the damage to the tryst when anal problems develop.
In regards to teaching a bottom how to avoid messes in the future, Miss Manners believes this should not be done when an “accident” is discovered during sex, as this is an emotionally and mentally awkward time for the bottom. Rather, teaching anal awareness should be done during a more friendly and informal time, and in as nonthreatening of a manner as possible. For example, by giving a book about gay sex to the bottom, or by having a conversation about avoiding anal messes with another gay friend while the bottom is within earshot. And while Miss Manners does not normally encourage deception, it may be a good idea to even arrange for the entire conversation in advance. A knowledgeable and knowing friend may be your greatest ally in for this lesson.
In the end, keep in mind that many bottoms are oblivious and out-of-touch with their body in this fashion. It may come to a point where nothing but a direct conversation about the subject will help. In that case I urge you do so with utmost caring, compassion, and empathy.
Gentle Reader,
Miss Manners is painfully aware of the social awkwardness of anal hygiene when it comes to gay sex. Those that are knowledgeable and self-aware can avoid awkward situations in the bedroom, while those that are less skilled are quite prone to such mishaps. The difficulty is in fact twofold - how does limit personal embarrassment when an “anal mess” occurs, and how can one educate the bottom in avoiding future messes.
Solving the former problem is simple enough. The top should always keep a towel nearby, and should use it to clean up any unpleasantness. If the mess is moderate to severe, then the top should suggest the bottom use the bathroom to “wash all that lube up.” Most bottoms are self-aware enough at that point to realize that continuing to bottom for the evening is not a good idea. A smile and a friendly bit of reassurance can minimize the bottom’s embarrassment. As much as it is the bottom’s job to keep himself clean, it is the top’s job to limit the damage to the tryst when anal problems develop.
In regards to teaching a bottom how to avoid messes in the future, Miss Manners believes this should not be done when an “accident” is discovered during sex, as this is an emotionally and mentally awkward time for the bottom. Rather, teaching anal awareness should be done during a more friendly and informal time, and in as nonthreatening of a manner as possible. For example, by giving a book about gay sex to the bottom, or by having a conversation about avoiding anal messes with another gay friend while the bottom is within earshot. And while Miss Manners does not normally encourage deception, it may be a good idea to even arrange for the entire conversation in advance. A knowledgeable and knowing friend may be your greatest ally in for this lesson.
In the end, keep in mind that many bottoms are oblivious and out-of-touch with their body in this fashion. It may come to a point where nothing but a direct conversation about the subject will help. In that case I urge you do so with utmost caring, compassion, and empathy.
Comment by Anonymous on January 21, 2008
During my first bottoming experience, I thought I had cleaned myself out but didn’t do as good a job as I thought. The guy was a prince though. He treated it like no big deal and (truthfully) said hey, if you are going there, you might run into it. Cleaned it up and kept going. It was a relief to me that he reacted so mellow. My advice for the top who is bothered by a dirty bottom, would be to tell is partner than an ultra clean bottom really turns him on. Then he should teach the bottom how to clean out. A lot of guys simply don’t know how to do it. And there aren’t so many resources readily available. If treated as no big deal, your partner should be receptive to it.