How should I tell my parents that I'm gay?
January 21, 2008
I recently turned 18, and my parents have no idea that I'm gay. I've been going out with another guy now for about a year. However, I'm afraid that if I tell my parents how I really am, they'll stop loving me. I just want them to be happy for who and what their son is. How should I tell them the easiest way?
Unless your parents are completely antisocial neurotics or are viciously and rabidly anti-gay, don't ever, ever, ever fear that they will stop loving you. Even if they are homophobic or nuts, they may very well come around.
The method you use to tell your parents has to be personally selected based on your personal style and how you think your parents will react. Some people like to sit them down and have a long talk, others prefer writing a letter, and still others casually drop the bomb ("By the way, I'm dating a guy these days. Can you pass the potatoes?"). However you decide to do it, there are a few things you should keep in mind.
First, build yourself a support system before you come out. This means having friends that know you're gay and completely support you. Make sure at least one local one knows the day you are going to come out to your parents, in case you need a place to go or someone to talk to when you're done.
Second, remember that you've had years to accept your sexuality. Your parents are about to be taken by surprise. As such, they may initially say some ignorant or hurtful things to you. Don't take them personally, and don't be upset. Within a few days they will begin rationally thinking about the issue again, and within a few months they will begin making progress towards accepting you. The process of becoming 100% supportive can sometimes take years, but don't ever mistake that process for anything else. By virtue of being your parents they love you and would be willing to die to protect you. It will take them a lot of emotional work to accept that you are now an adult and are capable of making life-choices that are not necessarily the ones that would have chosen for you.
Third, once they know, they are going to go through a coming out process just like you did. It may start with denial, and may involve anger, blame, and other negative emotions. Find out whether there is a local PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) chapter in your area. If so, call them in advance and learn their meeting times and places. When the time is right, suggest to your parents that they attend one of their meetings.
Fourth, know that your parents are going to want information. What little they know about the gay lifestyle will be a combination of myth, stereotypes, and what they've seen on television. There's a great book on the market called Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lesbians and Gays Talk About Their Experiences. Pick up a copy of it and give it to your parents when you come out to them.
Above all, remember that love is a two-way street. Sometimes there are a lot of potholes in the road, but their acceptance of you means you need to accept their adjustment period.
The method you use to tell your parents has to be personally selected based on your personal style and how you think your parents will react. Some people like to sit them down and have a long talk, others prefer writing a letter, and still others casually drop the bomb ("By the way, I'm dating a guy these days. Can you pass the potatoes?"). However you decide to do it, there are a few things you should keep in mind.
First, build yourself a support system before you come out. This means having friends that know you're gay and completely support you. Make sure at least one local one knows the day you are going to come out to your parents, in case you need a place to go or someone to talk to when you're done.
Second, remember that you've had years to accept your sexuality. Your parents are about to be taken by surprise. As such, they may initially say some ignorant or hurtful things to you. Don't take them personally, and don't be upset. Within a few days they will begin rationally thinking about the issue again, and within a few months they will begin making progress towards accepting you. The process of becoming 100% supportive can sometimes take years, but don't ever mistake that process for anything else. By virtue of being your parents they love you and would be willing to die to protect you. It will take them a lot of emotional work to accept that you are now an adult and are capable of making life-choices that are not necessarily the ones that would have chosen for you.
Third, once they know, they are going to go through a coming out process just like you did. It may start with denial, and may involve anger, blame, and other negative emotions. Find out whether there is a local PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) chapter in your area. If so, call them in advance and learn their meeting times and places. When the time is right, suggest to your parents that they attend one of their meetings.
Fourth, know that your parents are going to want information. What little they know about the gay lifestyle will be a combination of myth, stereotypes, and what they've seen on television. There's a great book on the market called Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lesbians and Gays Talk About Their Experiences. Pick up a copy of it and give it to your parents when you come out to them.
Above all, remember that love is a two-way street. Sometimes there are a lot of potholes in the road, but their acceptance of you means you need to accept their adjustment period.
