How can I get men to look past my body and see the real me?
January 19, 2008
I am a 30 yr old gay man. I have a lot to offer the right person. I am educated and successful. The problem is that I am a bit overweight. I have been working on it for about nine months and have lost about 75 pounds. I still have another 50 or so to lose. Most of the men I meet just cannot get past the exterior to see the interior. It can be very depressing. Any advice?
Seventy-five pounds in nine months? Wow! I think I should be asking you for advice. That's a great job and congratulations! As a formerly overweight person (believe it or not!), I understand what you're going through. Fortunately, you're losing weight at such a rate that you're not going to have that problem for much longer.
Whether it's you or someone else, there will always be people having trouble with people who are only looking at their body, not their mind. It's easy to understand why they do, when we have our own preferences. We're all guilty of judging people on their looks from time to time.
Anyway, weight-loss lectures aside, there are a few strategies you may want to try to help people see you on the inside.
Look at yourself in the metaphorical mirror. Do you generally dress nicely, or do you consider formal to be an undershirt and shorts? Do you make an effort to groom yourself well, or do you prefer to let your hair and beard go wild? Keeping your pubic and chest hair trimmed is a good idea as well. If you're overweight, that's fine. The object here is to make yourself look as good as possible in other ways.
Consider what you're competing for. If you're 60 years old, 280lbs, and are looking to bed a cute eighteen year-old virgin, you're going to have trouble. Such commodities are rare at the best of times, and adding another in the age and weight issues to the equation doesn't help. I'm not encouraging people to lower their standards by any means. But it is a good idea to review what you're looking for. Setting realistic goals are always a good idea.
Consider how you meet people. If you work 60 hours per week, come home, feed your beloved pet cat "Fluffy", read a book, and go to bed, you're going to have a hard time meeting Mr. Right. On the other hand, if you're active in the gay community, attend gay public events and establishments, and engage in hobbies with like-minded people, you're going to come into contact with a lot of eligible men. Bars and personal ads are fine some people, but if your problem is that people are dismissing you with a cursory glance or because of your "stats", they may not be for you. Get to know people first, and let them get to know you. Worry about the dating as things progress.
Keep a positive outlook. In some ways, this is the hardest of the suggestions. It's easy to become bitter, disillusioned, and negative. But if you think "no one wants to date me because I'm fat," no one will. It's not the weight that's the issue. It's that no one likes to hang around with people who are depressing. Keeping a positive outlook and good outlook on life will make meeting people tons easier.
Hope the advice helped, and remember - there are some serious Casinovas out there that don't have a body like Jeff Stryker. If you're overweight, do something about it. And if that doesn't work, then review your current status, make a realistic goal for yourself, set about a plan of action, and stick to it. I expect a follow-up note from you when you meet Mr. Right.
Whether it's you or someone else, there will always be people having trouble with people who are only looking at their body, not their mind. It's easy to understand why they do, when we have our own preferences. We're all guilty of judging people on their looks from time to time.
Anyway, weight-loss lectures aside, there are a few strategies you may want to try to help people see you on the inside.
Look at yourself in the metaphorical mirror. Do you generally dress nicely, or do you consider formal to be an undershirt and shorts? Do you make an effort to groom yourself well, or do you prefer to let your hair and beard go wild? Keeping your pubic and chest hair trimmed is a good idea as well. If you're overweight, that's fine. The object here is to make yourself look as good as possible in other ways.
Consider what you're competing for. If you're 60 years old, 280lbs, and are looking to bed a cute eighteen year-old virgin, you're going to have trouble. Such commodities are rare at the best of times, and adding another in the age and weight issues to the equation doesn't help. I'm not encouraging people to lower their standards by any means. But it is a good idea to review what you're looking for. Setting realistic goals are always a good idea.
Consider how you meet people. If you work 60 hours per week, come home, feed your beloved pet cat "Fluffy", read a book, and go to bed, you're going to have a hard time meeting Mr. Right. On the other hand, if you're active in the gay community, attend gay public events and establishments, and engage in hobbies with like-minded people, you're going to come into contact with a lot of eligible men. Bars and personal ads are fine some people, but if your problem is that people are dismissing you with a cursory glance or because of your "stats", they may not be for you. Get to know people first, and let them get to know you. Worry about the dating as things progress.
Keep a positive outlook. In some ways, this is the hardest of the suggestions. It's easy to become bitter, disillusioned, and negative. But if you think "no one wants to date me because I'm fat," no one will. It's not the weight that's the issue. It's that no one likes to hang around with people who are depressing. Keeping a positive outlook and good outlook on life will make meeting people tons easier.
Hope the advice helped, and remember - there are some serious Casinovas out there that don't have a body like Jeff Stryker. If you're overweight, do something about it. And if that doesn't work, then review your current status, make a realistic goal for yourself, set about a plan of action, and stick to it. I expect a follow-up note from you when you meet Mr. Right.
Comment by Anonymous on January 19, 2008
I am very impressed with the advice tochat you give to the guys that write to you. The advice you gave to the overweight guy who couldn't find a man who would look past his exterior was very good, but I would like to add to what you wrote. He should seek out a lal Girth and Mirth club, or something similar. He can find a local club at chubnet.com. He will find many different types of men, chasers looking for chubs, chubs looking for chasers, and chubs looking for other chubs. Your advice about making sure he evaluate his attitude, grooming, and getting healthy, was right on, but for those who have not yet made the decision to lose weight (or who are perfectly happy being overweight) there are many men out there who would love to have him as a friend, partner, or one night stand.