How can I meet a nice guy to explore my sexuality?
January 19, 2008
I'm married, 38, and good looking. I'd like to stay married... but over the last couple of years I've developed a curiosity in guys. I've explored Internet picture sites, story sites, and some chat sites, but I haven't met anyone in person yet. Where could I meet a sincere and discrete guy who would respect my curiosity and respect my boundaries and privacy? I know that you would say an escort (smile) and which certainly is one method. But other than being a bit expensive, it might be a difficult method of developing a friendship. Thank you for your time and consideration of this dilemma.
I have a question for you. This was the first ever column and an ethical quandry at that. Answering this question could put me out of business. Haha!
But seriously, know first off that you are by far not alone. There are literally millions of men in the same situation. So many, in fact, that they have formed number of support organizations with websites. Check out GAMMA - Gay Married Men's Association to learn about just one group. The Bi Married Men of America is another. There are still other groups that don't have webpages - call your local gay/lesbian info line (just look in the phone book under gay) and ask what resources exist in your community for gay married men. Don't be nervous about calling - your question is one of the reasons the phone line exists in the first place!).
Of course, organized groups aren't for everyone. Try posting personal ads around the web. Print publications may be able to help you as well. Some even have phone in responses for your discretionary convienence. Be honest about your married status. You are looking for a friend as well as a playmate, after all, so it's important you start things off correctly. Chat rooms may do well for you, too. I know on AOL they frequently have chat rooms for married gay men. You may find yourself meeting guys that have fairly well organized friendship/social networks for married gay men. They're out there, you just have to tap into them.
Oh, don't be discouraged if you don't find someone at first regardless of what you try. Just keep looking - you'll find the guy you're looking for.
One more bit of advice - keep in mind you have an ethical obligation in all this to two people - your wife, and yourself. You need to play safe, and to treat her with all the dignity and respect you expect to be treated in return. So it's one thing to explore your sexuality and play on occasion, but it's another to leave her sitting alone for the next twenty years wondering why the man that swore to love and cherish her is leaving her so alone.
As for yourself, ponder this. I had a married client who had a relationship with a male business partner of his for twenty years. When his partner suddenly died of a heart attack, he found himself with no one else he could talk to, his grief bottled up inside to hide the secret he had kept for so long. It would be quite the bummer if you chose to walk the same path.
But seriously, know first off that you are by far not alone. There are literally millions of men in the same situation. So many, in fact, that they have formed number of support organizations with websites. Check out GAMMA - Gay Married Men's Association to learn about just one group. The Bi Married Men of America is another. There are still other groups that don't have webpages - call your local gay/lesbian info line (just look in the phone book under gay) and ask what resources exist in your community for gay married men. Don't be nervous about calling - your question is one of the reasons the phone line exists in the first place!).
Of course, organized groups aren't for everyone. Try posting personal ads around the web. Print publications may be able to help you as well. Some even have phone in responses for your discretionary convienence. Be honest about your married status. You are looking for a friend as well as a playmate, after all, so it's important you start things off correctly. Chat rooms may do well for you, too. I know on AOL they frequently have chat rooms for married gay men. You may find yourself meeting guys that have fairly well organized friendship/social networks for married gay men. They're out there, you just have to tap into them.
Oh, don't be discouraged if you don't find someone at first regardless of what you try. Just keep looking - you'll find the guy you're looking for.
One more bit of advice - keep in mind you have an ethical obligation in all this to two people - your wife, and yourself. You need to play safe, and to treat her with all the dignity and respect you expect to be treated in return. So it's one thing to explore your sexuality and play on occasion, but it's another to leave her sitting alone for the next twenty years wondering why the man that swore to love and cherish her is leaving her so alone.
As for yourself, ponder this. I had a married client who had a relationship with a male business partner of his for twenty years. When his partner suddenly died of a heart attack, he found himself with no one else he could talk to, his grief bottled up inside to hide the secret he had kept for so long. It would be quite the bummer if you chose to walk the same path.
