How can I be open about being HIV+ in my community?
January 21, 2008
I've been asymptomatic HIV+ for ten years now, and I've never really had a problem dealing with it until now. I've just ended a long-term relationship with a guy who is (still) HIV-. I'm 33, pretty good looking, and reasonably successful. I'm also terrified of entering the dating scene and being honest about my status. I live in a very large city in Texas, but I still think we have a backwards mentality about HIV. Can you give me some advice about being honest and up front about this? Thanks!
How "out" to be about one's HIV status is always a tough decision. On one extreme, there's the Scott O'Hara approach. He had "HIV+" tattooed on his arm in big blue letters, figuring that way he didn't ever have to inform anyone again. The other extreme are those people that hide their HIV status from the world until they die. That way is pretty lonely though, and is increasingly tough to do with the invasive medication schedule that the protease-inhibitor cocktails require.
There's also the dilemma of HIV and sex. HIV-positive people often view sex as being inherently risky, and some choose not to disclose their status to their sexual partners unless the ask first. HIV-negative people agree that sex is risky, but often assume their partners will inform them in advance if they are HIV-positive. This leads to a really messy communication problem, with potentially catastrophic results. It's much better to let some AIDSphobic guy panic and run off before you have sex, than after you bang him and have grown to care about him.
Fortunately, it sounds like you're looking for a pretty middle-of-the-road approach. So if I may suggest, why don't you do what most middle-of-the-road people do: Be yourself. Meet people in the same way you would do if you were HIV-negative. Go out to clubs, write personal ads, join gay/lesbian organizations, and generally be social in gay environments. When it's time to "come out" to someone as being positive, pop a pill in front of them. When you get a questioning look from them, casually mention, "Oh, I'm HIV-positive" and then move the conversation back to whatever you were talking about. "Confessing" your HIV-status is about a good of an idea as "confessing" your homosexuality. Being HIV-positive isn't something to be either proud or ashamed of. It just is. Treat it like that around your friends, and they'll react accordingly. Sure, it will scare away some people, but let's face it, those are hardly the people that were going to stick around anyway.
Oh, and have a bit of faith in the people of Texas, and especially in your city. Saying they have a "backwards mentality about HIV" is a bit condescending. Like anywhere else in the country, there are those that will deal well with HIV, and those that won't. It's not like the AIDSphobia of the early-mid 1980's, and although discrimination still occurs, it is heavily outnumbered by the support and caring on the part of your fellow human beings. HIV is an awful lot like being gay in that way. Have a bit of confidence in the ability of your fellow Texans to treat your HIV for what it is, and not for everything you fear it may be.
There's also the dilemma of HIV and sex. HIV-positive people often view sex as being inherently risky, and some choose not to disclose their status to their sexual partners unless the ask first. HIV-negative people agree that sex is risky, but often assume their partners will inform them in advance if they are HIV-positive. This leads to a really messy communication problem, with potentially catastrophic results. It's much better to let some AIDSphobic guy panic and run off before you have sex, than after you bang him and have grown to care about him.
Fortunately, it sounds like you're looking for a pretty middle-of-the-road approach. So if I may suggest, why don't you do what most middle-of-the-road people do: Be yourself. Meet people in the same way you would do if you were HIV-negative. Go out to clubs, write personal ads, join gay/lesbian organizations, and generally be social in gay environments. When it's time to "come out" to someone as being positive, pop a pill in front of them. When you get a questioning look from them, casually mention, "Oh, I'm HIV-positive" and then move the conversation back to whatever you were talking about. "Confessing" your HIV-status is about a good of an idea as "confessing" your homosexuality. Being HIV-positive isn't something to be either proud or ashamed of. It just is. Treat it like that around your friends, and they'll react accordingly. Sure, it will scare away some people, but let's face it, those are hardly the people that were going to stick around anyway.
Oh, and have a bit of faith in the people of Texas, and especially in your city. Saying they have a "backwards mentality about HIV" is a bit condescending. Like anywhere else in the country, there are those that will deal well with HIV, and those that won't. It's not like the AIDSphobia of the early-mid 1980's, and although discrimination still occurs, it is heavily outnumbered by the support and caring on the part of your fellow human beings. HIV is an awful lot like being gay in that way. Have a bit of confidence in the ability of your fellow Texans to treat your HIV for what it is, and not for everything you fear it may be.
