How can I keep from losing my erection during sex?
January 20, 2008
I am a 40 year-old gay male. I was closeted most of my adult life, but now that I am dating guys I have a dilemma. I can be with the hottest guy around, but when it comes to having sex, I either don't get aroused or can’t stay erect very long. On the other hand, if I am having cybersex with an anonymous person on the computer then I am instantly hard and stay that way indefinitely. Suggestions how I can make this happen in the bedroom would be greatly appreciated.
My suspicion is that you feel overwhelmed and anxious when you're in bed with another man. You've spent your entire adult life actively hiding your sexuality. Now that you are dating you are suddenly playing the role of "mature adult" without the benefit of an adolescence filled with sex-play and lessons on coming out. Twenty years of repressing gay thoughts and feelings doesn't exactly prepare you for a well-adjusted sex life.
I can clearly see why it's easier for you online. During cybersex you are in the safety and privacy of your own home, and can easily logoff if the situation becomes too close and intense for you. When you're in bed with someone though, the situation is far more threatening for you.
My suggestion would be to cool the sex for a few months. There's nothing wrong with continuing to hook up, but jumping into bed with guys may not be what you need at the moment. Have fun getting your rocks off online, but change your approach when you date. Instead of focusing on sex, concentrate more on friendship and relationship building. If you do have sex, tell your sexual partners about your difficulty. Trouble getting hard is nothing to be ashamed of, and it'll be a good test of the strength of your relationship. If you don't feel comfortable discussing the issue with him, chances are you're not ready to go to bed with him either.
You're still young, so you have plenty of time to continue growing and developing. Which, y'know, is exactly what you're doing these days. Enjoy your belated gay adolescence and don't stress yourself out. When you're ready to have sex it will happen. Everything will work fine and you will have the experience you’ve always sex to be.
I can clearly see why it's easier for you online. During cybersex you are in the safety and privacy of your own home, and can easily logoff if the situation becomes too close and intense for you. When you're in bed with someone though, the situation is far more threatening for you.
My suggestion would be to cool the sex for a few months. There's nothing wrong with continuing to hook up, but jumping into bed with guys may not be what you need at the moment. Have fun getting your rocks off online, but change your approach when you date. Instead of focusing on sex, concentrate more on friendship and relationship building. If you do have sex, tell your sexual partners about your difficulty. Trouble getting hard is nothing to be ashamed of, and it'll be a good test of the strength of your relationship. If you don't feel comfortable discussing the issue with him, chances are you're not ready to go to bed with him either.
You're still young, so you have plenty of time to continue growing and developing. Which, y'know, is exactly what you're doing these days. Enjoy your belated gay adolescence and don't stress yourself out. When you're ready to have sex it will happen. Everything will work fine and you will have the experience you’ve always sex to be.
