Am I abnormal because I have difficulty getting hard?
January 20, 2008
I am thirty years old and have a major problem. For the past fifteen years I have had countless times that I couldn't get hard completely. I don't know if it is all in my head or what. I get excited very slowly and it usually has to be with physical stimulation. If I get stressed then I completely lose it. Unlike most guys I almost never wake up with a piss hard-on or get stiff for no reason. This happens when I masturbate as well. Sometimes I start out with an erection but before I cum it starts to soften. Usually it gets fairly stiff right before or as I cum
I used to think it was because I'm really gay and women don't turn me on, but now I have a boyfriend and I still have the same problem. He gets hard so fast it makes me mad, even though I know I shouldn't feel that way. I just want to be like all the other "normal" horny men. I have self diagnosed my condition and have came up with numerous reasons including "it's all in my head," depression, a low sex drive, or that I have to feel in love to get an erection. I have never read about anyone having quite the same problem particularly at my age or younger.
I have used Viagra and 25mg will do the trick, but it is expensive and at thirty years of age I should be laughing at people that need it.
I have passed up more than one opportunity to have sex because of my fear of failing. I believe that a lot of my problem is definitely mental, but why don't I have spontaneous erections or morning woodies like I used to? (Even then they never very common). I am so sick of this problem and it doesn't seem to get better with time only worse. Please help me!!
I used to think it was because I'm really gay and women don't turn me on, but now I have a boyfriend and I still have the same problem. He gets hard so fast it makes me mad, even though I know I shouldn't feel that way. I just want to be like all the other "normal" horny men. I have self diagnosed my condition and have came up with numerous reasons including "it's all in my head," depression, a low sex drive, or that I have to feel in love to get an erection. I have never read about anyone having quite the same problem particularly at my age or younger.
I have used Viagra and 25mg will do the trick, but it is expensive and at thirty years of age I should be laughing at people that need it.
I have passed up more than one opportunity to have sex because of my fear of failing. I believe that a lot of my problem is definitely mental, but why don't I have spontaneous erections or morning woodies like I used to? (Even then they never very common). I am so sick of this problem and it doesn't seem to get better with time only worse. Please help me!!
Whoa, friend. You do realize that you’ve wrapped yourself up something fierce? Okay, scratch that. You’re way beyond taking a deep breath and relaxing. As a matter of fact, I had to halve the length of your letter and severely edit it for publication. You really went on and on! Had you been telling me this in person I’d have slapped you to stop your hysterics.
I do feel for you though, so here’s what you’re going to do. First, understand that you’re not alone. There are many young men such as yourself that have trouble getting hard. That means you are perfectly normal and not a "cheesedick loser." You have an individual difference in that you have a tough time getting hard. That doesn’t make you any more or less of a person than someone with any other challenge in life. So stop thinking of yourself as a freak or I’ll have to slap you again.
Second, you’re going to set up an appointment with a urologist to have a physical examination of your cock and balls. While he is doing so you are going to tell him exactly what you have told me. Don’t leave anything out, either. I want him to understand how much this is bothering you.
Third, if the doctor suggests you use Viagra, you are going to shut up, take your medication like a man, and be happy about it. Viagra in 25mg doses isn’t that expensive, and as you said for yourself it does work. There are a lot of people for whom it does not work, and you could be one of them. Be grateful for what you have. I know people who would switch sexual problems with you in an instant.
Fourth, you’re going to stop worrying what other people think. No one is going to laugh at you because you are using Viagra. Anyone who does is an asshole and is lashing out because of his own fears of inadequacy. The best way to protect yourself from being laughed at is to be secure in your own sexuality. You’re a long way away from that point, but if you work at it you can develop a sense of self-confidence. Erectile difficulty is a minor problem in the scheme of things. Would you rather, say, trade it for a bladder control problem? People make fun of that problem all the time. You’ve probably made a few “Depends” jokes in your lifetime, too.
Finally, if you can’t get past any of these issues on your own, you’re going to call your local gay info line and request the name of gay sex therapist. You’re then going to set up an appointment and pour your heart out to this person.
Your erectile problem may be physical, but the real problem is in the mind. Hopefully your doctor and you can solve it on your own, but if need be you should bring a therapist into the situation. Your issue isn’t a major problem, but the way you view it is.
I do feel for you though, so here’s what you’re going to do. First, understand that you’re not alone. There are many young men such as yourself that have trouble getting hard. That means you are perfectly normal and not a "cheesedick loser." You have an individual difference in that you have a tough time getting hard. That doesn’t make you any more or less of a person than someone with any other challenge in life. So stop thinking of yourself as a freak or I’ll have to slap you again.
Second, you’re going to set up an appointment with a urologist to have a physical examination of your cock and balls. While he is doing so you are going to tell him exactly what you have told me. Don’t leave anything out, either. I want him to understand how much this is bothering you.
Third, if the doctor suggests you use Viagra, you are going to shut up, take your medication like a man, and be happy about it. Viagra in 25mg doses isn’t that expensive, and as you said for yourself it does work. There are a lot of people for whom it does not work, and you could be one of them. Be grateful for what you have. I know people who would switch sexual problems with you in an instant.
Fourth, you’re going to stop worrying what other people think. No one is going to laugh at you because you are using Viagra. Anyone who does is an asshole and is lashing out because of his own fears of inadequacy. The best way to protect yourself from being laughed at is to be secure in your own sexuality. You’re a long way away from that point, but if you work at it you can develop a sense of self-confidence. Erectile difficulty is a minor problem in the scheme of things. Would you rather, say, trade it for a bladder control problem? People make fun of that problem all the time. You’ve probably made a few “Depends” jokes in your lifetime, too.
Finally, if you can’t get past any of these issues on your own, you’re going to call your local gay info line and request the name of gay sex therapist. You’re then going to set up an appointment and pour your heart out to this person.
Your erectile problem may be physical, but the real problem is in the mind. Hopefully your doctor and you can solve it on your own, but if need be you should bring a therapist into the situation. Your issue isn’t a major problem, but the way you view it is.
Comment by Family Doctor on January 20, 2008
I wanted to add to your advice to the gentlemen with the erectile dysfunction. I'm a family physician, and have seen a number of men who did not get adequate responses to cockrings or Viagra. Most of these men, however, will respond to a number of medications that help with this problem, such as Zoloft or Paxil.Zoloft and Paxil are both antidepressants. They typically cause difficulty obtaining an erection, but they can also have the opposite effect. They’re certainly options to be considered, but probably not your first choice. Talk to your doctor about all the options available to you.