How can I come out without hurting my wife?
January 20, 2008
I'm 32 and have been married to a woman for two years. I had convinced myself I was bisexual when I married her, but now I realize that I am gay. I feel I am emotionally ready to "come out," but I don't know how to do it without hurting my wife terribly. My wife has no idea about any of this. She's a great person, but I know she won't be sympathetic at all. What do I do to get out of this marriage?
You get on the phone to your local gay info line and ask if they can recommend a gay-friendly divorce lawyer to you. While you're on the phone with the line, ask them if they have a married gay men's support group. Then give the lawyer a call and set up a meeting. Even a best-case divorce has a lot of legal pitfalls, and you are going to want to learn as much as you can.
You're also not going to want to spend any more time in this marriage than you already have. I'm not saying you want to spring the truth on her at the same time you hand her the divorce papers - ask your lawyer for his thoughts on that matter. I'm saying that you already made one mistake, and staying in the marriage just because you said "I do" isn't going to correct that. In fact, staying with her will only delay whatever life goals she may have of finding a partner, settling down, and raising a family. For better or for worse, you're not the person she had thought you would be. The kindest thing you can do for her is to end the marriage before you have a house full of kids and a situation that makes your current one enviable. Staying will only increase the hurt in the long run.
You're also not going to want to spend any more time in this marriage than you already have. I'm not saying you want to spring the truth on her at the same time you hand her the divorce papers - ask your lawyer for his thoughts on that matter. I'm saying that you already made one mistake, and staying in the marriage just because you said "I do" isn't going to correct that. In fact, staying with her will only delay whatever life goals she may have of finding a partner, settling down, and raising a family. For better or for worse, you're not the person she had thought you would be. The kindest thing you can do for her is to end the marriage before you have a house full of kids and a situation that makes your current one enviable. Staying will only increase the hurt in the long run.
