How can I cum more easily? (revisited)
January 20, 2008
I have been dating my boyfriend for five months so far. And so far I have had only about five orgasms with him. He's nine years younger than I and cums like a racehorse every time. Trouble is, he's getting impatient with me in bed. I'm a great lover (forgive my arrogance), but I can't seem to let go with him enough to cum. What should I do?
Since there is only nine years difference between your ages, your sexual stamina shouldn't be THAT different. Individual differences may account for more than the age. The fact you have only cum five times in five months makes me wonder about how skilled he is at meeting your needs. You blame yourself, but I'm not so certain. How is getting impatient with you supposed to help you cum more easily? I also wonder if you have had difficulty cumming with other partners in the past, or if it's just this one? That may be a good indicator about whether the change needs to come from within you, or from within him.
If it's him, then sit the boy down and help him understand that sex is a team effort. It isn't you servicing him, then him expecting you to cum magically. He has to learn how to play your body like a musical instrument. If it's you, then a bit of homework may be in order. Assuming your partner is willing to help you, try this variation on a classic sex therapy exercise. The objective is to establish a track record of you cumming and "letting yourself go" as your partner becomes more and more integrated into the encounter. Try to do these exercises without any porn movies, magazines, or the like. Once you're done with your part of the exercise, then you can service him like crazy in appreciation for his helping you.
Session One - Jack off by yourself while your lover is at work, out shopping, or wherever. If you have difficulty cumming even by yourself, then it's hardly surprising that you're having trouble cumming with your partner. Talk to a good sex therapist in that case.
Session Two - Jack off in your bedroom while your lover is in the living room. He is to just sit out there quietly, and not to blast the tv to distract you or anything. Take as long as you need, but establish that you are able to cum with him present in your home.
Session Three - Jack off in your bedroom (or wherever) while your lover is in the room, but not next to you. He is to be clothed this time, and is to be quiet while you slowly play with yourself to orgasm. The goal here is to help you become comfortable masturbating yourself and being in front of him.
Session Four - Masturbate with your lover in the room with you, but still not next to you. This is just the same as session three, only this time he is nude. He's not allowed to touch his dick or play with himself until after you cum though. Remember that you're focusing on your orgasm, not his.
Session Five - Try session four again, only this time have your lover join you on the bed. He still isn't allowed to play with himself though until after you cum.
Session Six - This time try jacking off while your partner gently touches your legs, chest, balls, or wherever else you want him to touch you. No kissing though, and no penetrating your anus. Those will be used in...
Session Seven - You may want to try this session several times, each with a different form of stimulation from him. Try experimenting with different types of "assistance" from your partner. For example, have him play with your ass one day, make-out with you the next, and let you suck on his dick while you jack off on the third. You may find that some help you to cum, while others do not. That's totally fine. The goal here is to learn what sorts of help get you really going, and what you find distracting and not as much to your liking. You can get creative here if you want, such as by cumming on his face, or whatever you want. Remember that you're trying to learn what gets YOU hot, not necessarily what does it for him. You can integrate the two of those later.
Session Eight and Beyond - By this point, you know that you can cum with him touching, kissing, and perhaps playing with you. From hereon, you need to tailor the sessions to the needs of the two of you. Since he has learned through this process what you need to orgasm, he can continue to help you in the future. From this point on, you can vary the encounters based on what the two of you want to do. Oral sex, anal sex, him cumming first, or whatever are all fair game to play with. By this point you two should be able to work out your sex life from here on.
G'luck! Let me know if this works. Oh, and if your partner is a putz and refuses to help you with this, then dump him and find someone who will.
If it's him, then sit the boy down and help him understand that sex is a team effort. It isn't you servicing him, then him expecting you to cum magically. He has to learn how to play your body like a musical instrument. If it's you, then a bit of homework may be in order. Assuming your partner is willing to help you, try this variation on a classic sex therapy exercise. The objective is to establish a track record of you cumming and "letting yourself go" as your partner becomes more and more integrated into the encounter. Try to do these exercises without any porn movies, magazines, or the like. Once you're done with your part of the exercise, then you can service him like crazy in appreciation for his helping you.
Session One - Jack off by yourself while your lover is at work, out shopping, or wherever. If you have difficulty cumming even by yourself, then it's hardly surprising that you're having trouble cumming with your partner. Talk to a good sex therapist in that case.
Session Two - Jack off in your bedroom while your lover is in the living room. He is to just sit out there quietly, and not to blast the tv to distract you or anything. Take as long as you need, but establish that you are able to cum with him present in your home.
Session Three - Jack off in your bedroom (or wherever) while your lover is in the room, but not next to you. He is to be clothed this time, and is to be quiet while you slowly play with yourself to orgasm. The goal here is to help you become comfortable masturbating yourself and being in front of him.
Session Four - Masturbate with your lover in the room with you, but still not next to you. This is just the same as session three, only this time he is nude. He's not allowed to touch his dick or play with himself until after you cum though. Remember that you're focusing on your orgasm, not his.
Session Five - Try session four again, only this time have your lover join you on the bed. He still isn't allowed to play with himself though until after you cum.
Session Six - This time try jacking off while your partner gently touches your legs, chest, balls, or wherever else you want him to touch you. No kissing though, and no penetrating your anus. Those will be used in...
Session Seven - You may want to try this session several times, each with a different form of stimulation from him. Try experimenting with different types of "assistance" from your partner. For example, have him play with your ass one day, make-out with you the next, and let you suck on his dick while you jack off on the third. You may find that some help you to cum, while others do not. That's totally fine. The goal here is to learn what sorts of help get you really going, and what you find distracting and not as much to your liking. You can get creative here if you want, such as by cumming on his face, or whatever you want. Remember that you're trying to learn what gets YOU hot, not necessarily what does it for him. You can integrate the two of those later.
Session Eight and Beyond - By this point, you know that you can cum with him touching, kissing, and perhaps playing with you. From hereon, you need to tailor the sessions to the needs of the two of you. Since he has learned through this process what you need to orgasm, he can continue to help you in the future. From this point on, you can vary the encounters based on what the two of you want to do. Oral sex, anal sex, him cumming first, or whatever are all fair game to play with. By this point you two should be able to work out your sex life from here on.
G'luck! Let me know if this works. Oh, and if your partner is a putz and refuses to help you with this, then dump him and find someone who will.
